Flicking the lighter on and off, Rajeev walks in and closes the door. He looks around, realizes he is in his roommate Anthony’s room, and walks out.
BY ARJUN SINGH
IMAGE BY EKRULILA
Exhausted Man…
Content Warning: discusses suicide, physical harm, and trauma.
Flicking the lighter on and off, Rajeev walks in and closes the door. He looks around, realizes he is in his roommate Anthony’s room, and walks out. Sitting on his bed, Rajeev considers lighting his books and furniture on fire and letting the fire consume him. He picks up his favourite book, Sylvia Plath’s Bell Jar, and tries to move himself to burn it. His hands shake. He can’t do it and falls to the floor crying. Unable to get himself up, he breaks down into a shaking sob. His body is warm even though it is a pleasant night with the windows open and the late spring breeze coming through. “This can’t be happening,” he thinks.
Finally, he gets up and slowly makes his way to the living room. He tries calling the suicide helpline, but hangs up each time after hearing a friendly voice speak on the other end. He goes to the bathroom and washes his face with icy cold water, lowering his body temperature. In the kitchen, he grabs a glass of water and takes a few sips, then sits down on the floor and begins to cry again. He gathers himself and calls his friend Chloe.
“Hey Chloe,” says Rajeev.
“Hi, darlin’. How are you?”
“Not good. I just… I’m… I... Listen, I… I’m having a really tough night. Something terrible happened, and I don’t know what to do.” He breaks down crying.
“Hey, okay,” Chloe starts, “Breathe, babe... Keep breathing. Be honest with me, okay? How bad? Like, hurt-yourself bad? Cry-yourself-to-sleep bad? Set-the-world-on-fire bad, call your ex bad? And if so, Raj, which one, because you’re banned from speaking to Alejandro.” She says, her voice even, trying to sound light.
At this point, Rajeev realizes he is still holding the lighter in his hand. He tosses it, and it clatters as it lands next to the refrigerator.
“I don’t know… I don’t think I’m going to hurt myself, but I’m not sure. I don’t feel okay.”
“Okay, keep breathing. Where is your roommate? Do you want me to come over? Would you like to go for a drive?”
“Um… Anthony is staying at his girlfriend’s, or they went to the cottage or something. I am not sure. Yeah, let’s go for a drive.”
“Okay, Raj, I’ll see you soon. Go downstairs, wait for me outside if you’d like. Maybe walk around a bit and get some fresh air?”
Rajeev hangs up. He closes his eyes and tries to take a few deep breaths. Failing at that, he goes to the kitchen to make some coffee and fills the pot. He opens the coffee container to put the beans in the brewer. He stares at the coffee machine and hesitates to turn it on. He walks away without turning it on and goes to the living room. He turns on the television and surfs channels, but quickly turns it off. He lies on the couch and looks at his phone to find a series of texts from Chloe.
“Hey babe, left 10 minutes ago. Surprisingly, some traffic.”
“Should be there in 15 minutes, if I don’t get stopped by the train.”
“See you downstairs.”
“Come downstairs now so you can walk around and wait for me. Just get out of the house.”
Rajeev forces himself to get dressed. He puts on a hoodie that says Queen’s City University and Faculty of Social Science and Humanities and goes down.
Downstairs, it is chillier than expected for early May, and he regrets not bringing a jacket. As soon as he steps outside, Chloe drives in and walks out of her running Toyota Corolla. She moves quickly to close the distance between them, wrapping him in a hug. “Hi,” she sighs into his shoulder.
“Thank you for coming, Chloe. I really appreciate it.”
“Oh my god, of course,” Chloe says, smiling and pulling back. She grasps his cold hand in her warm one. “I’m so glad to see you, honey. Come, let’s go before you freeze.”
They get in the car and drive around town in silence for ten minutes before Chloe finally looks at him.
“What’s going on, Rajeev? What happened?”
“I got a notice from the university asking me to withdraw. I failed too many Political Science and English Literature courses,” he says, staring out the passenger-side window. “Maybe I’m too dumb for university. It isn’t for everyone.”
“Rajeev, you are not dumb. You have had a challenging time. Adjusting to university isn’t easy.”
“My roommate is doing well. Anthony is getting 80s.”
“He isn’t you, though. Everyone has a different path. Babe, you have come really far since you started university. You just need to stick to it and keep working on yourself and school. Can’t you appeal the grades?”
Rajeev paused, almost turning away from the window. “I could,” he ventured slowly, “But what would I even say?”
“Life hasn’t been easy for you in university. You had a horrible first year in residence with bullying. You have chronic depression and anxiety. You just came out. You’re struggling to adjust, knowing you have a shitty mother who won’t accept you, and a father you can’t come out to because he’s a homophobe with a heart condition. Living here and going to school is your safety net. Even your therapy and medication insurance are through the university. Having to withdraw is not a healthy or viable option for you. And it’s not like you aren’t working hard to get through this all. That’s what you write.”
Rajeev, eyes still fixed out the car window, watches the town passing by. It is a bunch of houses and a quiet neighbourhood. They all merge together and look the same. This town is so predictable and dull He does not like it here; it’s all white people. Too few people who look like him. It’s too cold, too small. But it did—and does—serve a purpose as a safe, affordable escape.
“Rajeev, I could help you write the appeal.”
“No,” he begins, eyes sliding back to watch Chloe’s face try to keep composed as she drives. “I think I’ll take a stab at it myself tomorrow.” He notices a small smile grace her face. “Can we keep driving around, though? Maybe stop at a diner or something?”
“Of course, let’s go to Denny’s,” she proposes. Then, after a pause, “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“When I asked you if you might harm yourself, you didn’t say anything, and then I heard a sound of something being thrown. What was that?”
Rajeev looks out the car window again for some time.
“It was a lighter. I had this stupid idea that I could burn my books and furniture and die by self-immolation.”
“Rajeev, that is concerning. We go through rough patches in life. You can’t give up. Besides, that would not have worked, except losing a few books that you would have to buy again—which is a waste of money. Are you sure you’ll get through the night okay? Should we go to the crisis centre and speak to someone there?”
“I don’t know how that would help.”
“Just talk to a professional. Maybe they could guide you or at least help you create a safety plan.”
“Fine, let’s go.”
Rajeev walks into the crisis centre. It feels crisp and fluorescent against the windy evening outside the sliding doors—like a hospital, but somewhat better. The scent of the cleaning solutions often found in hospitals lingers here too. He walks up to the front desk and speaks to the receptionist and intake counsellor, explaining his situation and reason for his visit. He takes pauses and chokes up at times. They ask him to sit down and wait for the social worker.
Rajeev takes a seat and looks around. There is no one here. He looks up at the clock behind the receptionist’s desk; it is 12:30 a.m. Suddenly, he senses the smell of freshly brewed coffee. In a panic, he takes out his phone and begins to text his roommate. “Did I turn the coffee machine on?” He quickly sends a text to Anthony, gets up as he hears his name called out, and walks up to meet Linda, the on-site social worker. Linda takes him to her office; it is a weirdly comfortable place, unlike his regular therapist’s office.
The couch feels better; there is a giant teddy bear in the corner. Linda offers him some hot chocolate and asks how she could help. He tells her everything: from his childhood as a misfit kid to his lonely existence in high school. Feeling different than everyone. His time in residence when his floormates bullied him. His feelings now. His academic life. How he wonders if the world would be better off without him. How he feels about the required to withdraw status and how that will impact his life.
Linda listens patiently, asks a few questions and takes many notes. She offers to write a letter for his school, documenting the visit and suggests him to come back, if needed. She also enquires about his plans for the night to ensure his safety. He assures her he will be fine. Rajeev comes out to the front and checks his phone to find some texts from Anthony.
“Dude, you better not have left the coffee machine on.”
“You know I am not home, right? I am out with Christine?”
“Let me know if our apartment has burnt down.”
He shakes his head. Of course, I knew Anthony wasn’t home. What’s wrong with me?
Chloe is waiting by the reception desk, flipping through a magazine. She gets up and hugs him tightly. They walk out together and drive in silence for a bit.
“Denny’s?”
“Yeah, let’s go. That was a lot. I need a milkshake, grilled cheese and fries.”
“You are hungry! Okay, we are coming back to regularly scheduled programming.”
Chloe and Rajeev drive in silence. Chloe turns into the plaza and parks right outside Denny’s. They walk in. A waitress greets them and tells them to take whichever booth they like.. She hands them the menus and walks away. Rajeev and Chloe take the booth towards the back, sit down and begin to look at the menu.
Rajeev says, “I know what I want. You?”
“I will be a minute.”
“Okay. What happened there?” Chloe asks as she continues to browse the menu.
“Nothing really. I shared my entire story, and all Linda had to offer was this letter basically summarizing my visit and how in crisis I am.”
“Did they not ask you about suicide risk?”
“They did, and I was honest, but I guess the social worker lady saw you here with me and assumed you were my roommate or something. I promised them I wouldn’t do anything tonight and that I’ll call the helpline if something changes.”
“You know, I’m happy to sleep over or have you come over to my place. Nancy is away for the summer. You can sleep in her bed. She won’t mind.”
“No, I’ll be fine, but I hope the offer stands forever, should I need to take you up on it,” he says as he turns to look at her, shooting her what he hopes is a rueful smile. When Chloe rolls her eyes at him, his lips turn into the first real smile of the night. “I know the offer stands,” he adds, playfully pushing her shoulder.
“Okay, good. I know what I want too. Wow, it’s quiet here.”
“Yeah, it is the beginning of May. Students are gone, and this town will be empty til’ September now. Or at least until summer school starts. What are you getting?”
“Mozzarella sticks to start and then burger, fries and a milkshake.”
“That sounds good. I will share your milkshake.”
Chloe places her order, and the waitress walks away with the menus.
“Chloe, I wonder if taking a year off is a good idea? I talked to Linda about it, and it might not be the worst thing. I could work, save some money? Take some classes through college. Get some mental health help through CAMH or something? I have been looking up some programs, and Linda even suggested some.”
“Okay, that’s a start. Would you stay here in your year off?”
The waitress arrives with their mozzarella sticks, milkshakes and they dig in. Chloe grabs some marinara sauce and mixes it with ketchup before dipping the stick in it.
“I wouldn’t stay at home for sure. Here might be best.”
“Okay, cool, so let’s think about this. You would have to pay rent, your living expenses and you wouldn’t have financial aid, since you aren’t in school. The job market is tough out here, even for those who have graduated. Do you think you can find a job that will pay enough to live and save?”
“That is true. It definitely is a struggle. I haven’t even found a summer job yet. Not to mention, college courses won’t be free, and my savings account has barely anything in it.”
“You could talk to your parents. I know you don’t get along, but maybe they will help?”
“They can’t, Chloe. They are working overtime already to make everything work, and they still come short.”
The waitress comes by to check on them and brings them their main courses. As they continue eating, Rajeev picks up his phone.
“What are you looking at?”
“Looking at the therapy program Linda mentioned. There is a six-month waiting list. So basically, I have no options but to appeal and hope it goes through. Living at home isn’t an option right now. Living here without school isn’t an option. I am stuck.”
“Honestly, babe, appeal this and tell your story to the Dean or whoever makes the decision. You have a strong case, objectively. If the Dean doesn’t approve you, they got no heart.”
“I am sure they have a heart. I guess I will get cracking on it tonight.”
“Absolutely not, do it tomorrow. Take the night to relax and sleep. Get some rest”.
“Yes, ma’am.”
Chloe and Rajeev finish their meals and look at the dessert menu. Finding nothing appealing, Chloe suggests going to McDonald’s for donuts. They pay their bills and head out. Stopping by McDonald’s drive-thru to grab donuts, Rajeev tries to order coffee, but Chloe stops him—
“Rajeev Sachdeva, it is 2:30 a.m. We are both going to bed.”
Chloe pulls into the driveway and parks outside the front gates. Rajeev unbuckles his seat belt and turns towards Chloe and gives her a hug.
“You sure you don’t want me to sleep over or stay at mine?” Chloe asks.
“No, I should be fine. I will call you tomorrow. Maybe I will have a draft of the appeal ready, and we can look at it together.”
“Of course. Let’s get some dinner too. Actual dinner, not late-night breakfast. Night Rajeev.”
“Dinner would be fun. Let’s go to that Italian place then. Goodnight.”
Rajeev steps out of the car and walks into his building.
Back to his apartment he undresses and falls asleep on the couch. He wakes up a few hours later and notices the sun is also rising. Rajeev gets up, takes out some water from the fridge, walking over to his laptop. He opens a word document and begins typing.
To the Associate Dean (Undergraduate Affairs), Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences,
My name is Rajeev Sachdeva, and I am writing to you to appeal my student status of ‘required to withdraw.’
Arjun Singh has a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and Political Science. He is currently completing the Humber Creative Writing Program and is finishing up the first draft of a novel that can be best categorized as political fiction with plenty of LGBTQ+ romance and drama under Omar El Akkad’s mentorship. On the side, he is working on a short story collection. You can find him at @arjun_singh111 on Twitter.
Image: Exhausted Man Rubbing His Eyes by Ekrulila (Pexels)
Edited for publication by Shariq Ishmail, as part of the Professional Writing and Communications Program.
HLR Spotlight is a collaboration between the Faculty of Media & Creative Arts and the Faculty of Liberal Arts & Sciences and Innovative Learning at Humber College in Toronto, Ontario. This project is funded by Humber’s Office of Research & Innovation.