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Reflecting on who I was back then, I assume I took Maria for granted, like everything else in my life at that time. That young teenage boy was filled with naïve understandings and confused perceptions.
BY ABZ HASSAN
Things in life are always transforming and I mould the world’s concepts based on my wild perceptions. That’s part of growing up—I experience change through change.
We were young, teenage boys, full of hormones, and probably smelly. We were seated on the grass, resting our backs on the rusted goalposts after an intense game of soccer. We untied our laces and finally gave our feet some time to breathe. The sun was blazing and our water was now warm, tasting a little like plastic. Sweat dripped down our faces and glued our t-shirts to our bodies.
“I put five past you today, huh?” I asked Luka with a grin.
“U pičku materinu!” he replied, shit-talking me in his mother tongue. “The defence was absolute shit!”
I pressed his buttons a little more. “When will the defence ever be good?”
“Jebi se!” he said, telling me to piss off. “I better be captain next time.”
I laughed, appreciating Luka’s fiery Serbian passion for soccer, or as he would correct me—football. I noticed him looking behind me. He was no longer bothered by my five goals.
He said, “Bro. Don’t be an idiot and make it obvious, but look by the trees.”
I had already turned my head before he finished his sentence.
“That’s Crystal’s older sister,” Luka said.
“Crystal from our class . . . that’s Crystal’s sister?!” I replied.
“Da,” he said in Serbian. “Maria. I told you bro!”
Maria walked along with enthusiasm in every step. She was short with sun-kissed skin that had a goldish brown hue. She had an elegant jawline that was complemented by her plump lips. Her cute button nose would scrunch up every time she smiled and laughed. Maria’s beautiful black eyes looked upon the world with gentleness and they could easily charm me. She looked like Neela from Tokyo Drift, and my 13-year-old self found her so bloody attractive. I told myself I would grow the balls to speak to her one day, even if it was just introducing myself. I turned to Luka, “Bro. I needa talk to her.”
Looking at each other, Luka and I broke out into laughter. For me, it was a laugh of disbelief, questioning how a real-life girl could be so damn hot. For Luka, he was probably laughing at how flabbergasted I looked.
I laid down, letting the sun toast my face and blades of grass tickle my ears. I thought to myself, How the heck do I even approach this girl? Do I use one of those cheeky pickup lines that work in all the YouTube videos? She doesn’t even go to my school. How can I get to see her again? Should I tell Crystal . . . no that’s a stupid idea. She would tell me to back off and probably hit me. Okay, maybe the pickup line is the best play. I was totally out of position and had a hard game ahead of me.
“Alright get up, bro,” Luka said while he lifted me by the arm. “Let’s grab some Fudgesicles and cut.”
Two years passed and other crushes had come and gone. These crushes were playful and a way of staying involved in silly school drama. Once in a while, I would catch sight of Maria again around the plaza or at the park. I still looked at her with teenage awe, wondering if she even realized I was there. With her, I knew that I had to take things seriously. I couldn’t mess up my shot and the pressure left me dazed.
Finally, I fulfilled the promise that I made. Not only did I introduce myself with the fake confidence I managed to muster, but I also sweet-talked and made her laugh. I ran into Maria at my regular hangout spot near the basketball nets with a bunch of my friends. Everybody was sitting around in a circle on the warm pavement, just kicking it back after school like we usually did. I dapped up my friends and was shocked when I saw her there. I took a deep breath and calculated the possible scenarios in my head. Did she see me looking at her? Wait, is she looking at me? Should I make it obvious that I’m looking at her or play it cool? Am I supposed to use a pickup line now? Should I just walk away? Where are my balls now? C’mon, she is right there. Right in front of you. Just be yourself and let it happen. I reached my hand out to dap her up, “Hey, my name is Abz. Crystal’s sis, right?”
“Yes! I’m Maria.”
“You’re not that good at this handshake stuff, eh?” I said while she tried to shake my hand instead of sliding it.
“Whoops! That’s embarrassing,” she said.
I laughed and grabbed her hand, “C’mon give it another shot.”
Haha, okay okay. That was smooth.
I sat down in the circle on the opposite side of Maria as we began a game of Truth or Dare, the go-to for any group of teenagers. When it was my turn, I slowly looked around the circle and then finally said, “Maria, truth or dare?”
She looked at me for a moment and said, “Dare,” setting me up with a perfect pass.
I took my shot, “Hmm, I dare you to come sit next to me for the rest of the game.”
Everyone let out a big, “Ouuuuuuuu.”
Maria’s cheeks turned rosy and she covered her face while she walked over to sit beside me. Crystal, who was initially sitting next to Maria, was not amused and gave me an intense death stare. Crystal was quite a hothead and would probably try tackling me afterwards for openly flirting with her older sister. Even though I was usually terrified of Crystal, there was nothing that could wipe the smirk off my face at that moment. I was filled with adrenaline, joy, and fulfillment, but I forced myself to look cool in front of everyone. I leaned my head sideways towards Maria and put my hand out, “You needa dap me up again.”
That game of Truth or Dare ignited the spark of our relationship. Although I took a solid right hand to the shoulder from Crystal, I went for Maria anyways. Maria and I exchanged Facebooks after the game since I didn’t have a phone at the time. That same day we spent hours chatting online, and that turned into a day-to-day habit for us. Soon, I started walking her home after school, or if I had a sports game, she’d come watch me play. We would plan hangouts at the park together, take walks through the trail, and spend time getting to know each other. While playing with my boys at the soccer pitch, I’d sneak away during our water breaks and run behind the school to see her. All my boys knew who I went to see when the striker position was suddenly empty.
Maria and I had talked and flirted for about three months, and we both knew we were into each other. This was completely new territory for me, and I didn’t know what to do next. I wondered whether or not Maria was already my girlfriend. We were dating, but it wasn’t official yet. I grew anxious as I didn’t know how to ask a girl to be my girlfriend. This was intimidating stuff for a novice lover. Eventually, while sitting on the wooden stairs of a portable, I asked Maria, “Will you be my girlfriend?” How romantic. Despite my apparent nervousness and vulnerability, Maria jumped up from the stairs and wrapped her arms around me. She placed her head on my chest and started to laugh.
“It’s a bit late. I already am your girlfriend.”
I laughed with her, feeling the comfort of her arms and words. Maria was a delight to have in my life—the honey to my tea.
Maria was my first girlfriend and the first girl I genuinely had feelings for. She was also my first kiss, the ultimate ego boost for a teenage dude. Originally, I lied and told her I had kissed girls before, trying to act like I was some ultra-confident bigshot with experience. In reality, she was the bigshot and made the first move to kiss me. I remember she kept looking right and left while I was talking to her, checking if anyone was around. I remember the sudden rush in adrenaline when she pulled me in and planted her lips on mine. Woah, my first taste of intimacy. I closed my eyes, and my eyebrows raised as I felt a tingle go through my body. That kiss was probably one of the worst she ever had, yet it was a revolutionary moment for me.
Maria had a sweet and bubbly vibe that I truly adored. We would tease each other all the time and laugh endlessly till our stomachs hurt. She would be down for any little adventure and would make the most of our time together. We never said goodnight to each other because she felt wrong saying goodbye to me and always wanted me to be there with her. When I went away on vacation and had no internet, she messaged me every day to tell me what she did and how she missed me. On the day that I arrived back, she made sure to stay up late at night so she could talk to me.
Maria was three years older than me, and maybe that’s why she could understand me better. She was patient with me, from showing me how to bite her bottom lip while kissing to giving me advice about discovering my passions and goals in life. When I was stressing about the future, she helped me slow down and showed me new perspectives.
Looking back, I can still remember so many of the dear memories I shared with Maria; however, one thing I fail to remember is the reason why we broke up. Maybe that’s my mind trying to protect me, for that I must give my brain credit. Reflecting on who I was back then, I assume I took Maria for granted, like everything else in my life at that time. That young teenage boy was filled with naïve understandings and confused perceptions. I thought I’d have the same friends, maintain the same interests, do the same things, and be the same person for the rest of my life. I thrived off of female validation from girls at my school and tried to fulfill this cool player persona to feel good about myself. Thinking back, it’s safe to say that I was a joke. But in my defence, those pubescent hormones were heavily at play, hitting me like a soccer ball to the face.
Navigating the toxic dating world through the end of my teen years (with less hormones) and into my twenties has put me through being emotionally manipulated, disrespected, lied to, and cheated on. These “character-building” experiences have hurt me and left me with scars that I sometimes pick at. I’ve felt empty on some occasions and full of imaginary perceptions on other occasions. I’ve questioned what love is and constantly debated if I can even understand its absurdities. I find myself thinking about how Maria treated me with kindness and patience during a time when I was ignorant of genuine care. I appreciate her immensely for those cheerful memories as well as the knowledge and wisdom she left me with, reminding me that relationships and commitment can be a source of comfort.
Maria was truly my first love, even though I no longer understand the emotion and have yet to experience such affection and thoughtfulness from a partnership again. Within my pubescent insights and ways, I somehow had the capability of love. Indeed, love is a strong word, but it is also an ambiguous emotion. Love is an ever-changing concept, fluid in meaning, bound by the understandings I possess at a specific place and time in my life.
Abdullah (Abz) Hassan is a psychology student at the University of Guelph-Humber. He has a wide range of interests from MMA to epigenetics to philosophy. He wishes to continue experiencing the wonders of life, creating new stories.
Image: Photo of the Author (Photographer is Unknown)
Edited for publication by Ryan Black, as part of the Professional Writing and Communications Program.
HLR Spotlight is a collaboration between the Faculty of Media & Creative Arts and the Faculty of Liberal Arts & Sciences and Innovative Learning at Humber College in Toronto, Ontario. This project is funded by Humber’s Office of Research & Innovation.